All-Or-Nothing, Black Or White… Where’s The Color?

“I am an ‘all or nothing’ person. In or out. Black or white. No demilitarized zone.”

I have said ALL those things in my life!

I want to talk about the “all-or-nothing” thinking that so many have embraced. {{more}}

The last few weeks have brought about some thinking that I think it’s important to dialogue about. The reason for the dialogue is all too often we make a statement or sentence without the proper context and what we end up with is an understanding that may be in error in our thinking.

For instance, to use the quote “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”, is often attributed to Albert Einstein. And yet what I find in doing the research is that it has probably been misattributed to Einstein. And perhaps the credit ought to be given more to the place it appeared first in a publication which was an Al-Anon meeting in the 1980s. My reason for saying this is not to take away from what Einstein might have said or to give attribution to a group but to say that many of us have figured out over our lifetimes that there are things that we do that are self-destructive and we need to change those.

And that brings me to one of the conversations that I often have, that is related to the “all-or-nothing” thought process that many people have. Now one of the reasons we develop “all-or-nothing” is that we may not like the process so it’s easier just not to do anything with it and “keep it going”. Or not.

Maybe we have never considered the alternatives.

People will often grow up thinking they have to be perfect. When they “fail” at something, they stop, not allowing the process to sink in. It is time to give people permission to fail. To color OUTSIDE the lines, even.

I have shared many times about an experiment I took part in. The results of that experiment caused me a lot of angst in the years after. In a nutshell, two of us took part in the experiment. One of us could complete all the tasks. (Line up pencils, put together a small puzzle, etc..) I was not allowed to. Halfway through each task, I was interrupted and told to begin the next task. After 4 or 5 of these interrupted tasks, I jumped up, flipping the desk, swearing and leaving the room.

All-or-nothing…

An example of embracing process in our lives.

Lots of people will say that they want to start a business… until they recognize how difficult it is. At first, they’re all in until they realize the process (Which is often considerably more than the creation of a product or service.) and then their decision may be to do nothing.

Many people would like to be in business but don’t have the education, knowledge or the understanding. But those areas can be learned. If we utilize the all-or-nothing thought process, what we end up with is oftentimes making a decision that keeps us from our passion or desire, rather than developing the skills that are necessary for one to own and operate a business. I totally understand that some people are geared for business and others aren’t. That’s not what we’re talking about here. What we’re talking about is that many people don’t like to make the investment in the process.

We can look for an easy answer. Unfortunately, that is part of the issue that results in “all or nothing” thinking. That we live in a microwave society where everything needs to come fast is a catalyst for this type of thinking. Instant gratification. We can see that many people don’t like the idea of delayed gratification. I do understand that but what I’m suggesting is when we begin to introduce people to the idea of pursuing their passion rather than just pulling the plug, we begin to see businesses that are developed and profitable. People begin to help themselves and others.

The challenge with “all or nothing” thinking is that too often people are all in or they’re all out, rather than walking with an incremental thought process to get where they want to go.

How do we change? By helping people see their passion as the higher calling and engaging a process. People that are “all or nothing”, have usually not budgeted their time, their talent, and their treasure for the process at hand.

For many years I taught on business, using this example and seeing many people who were gifted in the area of creation or getting the facts and figures together, but they were weak in the other areas needed to move a business ahead.

There are two alternatives to this. The first is that you learn the skillset that you need to accomplish these other things, or you find the people to fill in the places that you are weak in. That gets you closer to your goal so that you move ahead.

A companion thought process to “all-or-nothing” is the idea of service. For some reason using the “all-or-nothing” thought process we have ended up with people have heard the statement, that when you are going through a difficult time, it is time to help others, to take the focus off your own difficulties.

I agree that that’s a great thought process and very practical and does bring life. But, I think there’s a flip side to that as well and we need to be cognizant of that. And that is that there are people who will serve to establish value instead of seeing that they are the value.

If you’re the person who’s always running to help another and yet when you look at your own life it looks like a train wreck, perhaps it is time to take the time to recognize why that is. Usually, it is an all-or-nothing attitude coupled with a misunderstanding of your true value.

This becomes difficult in the business world or workplace when we tell people to learn everything you can and become indispensable. But what happens when people begin to put their value into what they can do rather than who they are?

Lately, there have been lots of surveys and studies that show that people who multitask are more ineffective than those that just focus. Here in the year 2020, I think that we need to focus on the focus.

That we begin to develop a thought process that is focused on making things better. All too often I meet with people who think the idea of excellence is equivalent or equal to the thought process of perfection (I believe in the spirit of excellence and doing the best that one can.)

Excellent may, in fact, be perfect in its completion. But what excellence is, is that you’re doing the best you can with what you have and who you are today. I am not talking about getting better over time but what is accomplished in the moment.

All too often people view excellence as doing something perfectly. By thinking that they must be perfect they will often not do the things they can with what they have, and fall into the trap of “all-or-nothing”.

Once again “all-or-nothing” thinking is very problematic and leaves many things undone or never tried at all. Unless we begin to understand that the process is truly the answer, we will avoid tasks, people and more.

Back to the beginning. I think one of the challenges for people is that when we think all-or-nothing, we believe there’s only one answer. That is not always the case. In fact, what is the case, is the idea that sometimes “all-or-nothing” may be the answer for some things while embracing the process thinking may be necessary in different circumstances.

I personally, believe that the answer may well be “yes”, or a dichotomy of the thoughts in a given instance.

• Can Facebook be good? Yes. Can Facebook be bad? Yes. Can the answer be both? Yes!
• Can cars be good? Yes. Can cars be bad? Yes. Can the answer be both? Yes!
• Can guns be good? Yes. Can guns be bad? Yes. Can the answer be both? Yes!
• Can cellphones be good? Yes. Can cellphones be bad? Yes. Can the answer be both? Yes!

Can there be varying shades to those answers? I believe so.

Almost anything can have a “black-or-white”, “all-or-nothing” answer.

(As a church leader, I know there is a “love” for the “yay and amen” thinking.)

I understand the desire to want things black and white. When was the last time you watched a black and white movie or TV show? Or do you have an appreciation for color?

I think as people we need to work on the “grays” or the mid-tones of life. We need to learn to color outside the lines. (When I engage people who struggle with perfection, I encourage them to take a coloring book and color OUTSIDE the lines. Many people struggle with this exercise.)

And to those who live in the “middle” perhaps there are some things you do need to become absolute about.

My hope and my heart are to get us from the polarization that wants to manifest everywhere. Politics, religion, families, health and more. To enjoy people more. To engage in ways that lead to healthier relationships and communities.

Every day, I see a picture of someone doing something amazing or read a story about a people changing the world for better, I say to myself, “I could do that”. Sometimes to do “that” I need to be more inclusive and less exclusive. With a willingness to color outside the lines and make a difference.